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Nothing spectacular. Just ordinary.

January 30th, 2008

It was yet another day that began with depression and anger, that sense of not knowing what I am doing, why I am doing what I am doing and what I am going to do. Everything seemed like a burden when the day started off. And it got more and more burdensome by the middle of day until I felt like I would collapse under this burden.

Then V sent me a link to his blog post He had written about London and how he feels alive in London. It reminded me of my few days in London and how much I was in love with that city and how I longed to go back again … just to feel alive, just to sleep the nights off on the streets and beg by the days. V and I chatted about how stability was killing us and how I felt that everything that I did was pervaded with an increasing sense of nothingness, of meaninglessness. After talking to V, it felt like I had a goal in life – to get to London. For once, I could not care about money and how to get there. I just knew that I had to get there. That was the first kick of the day.

I decided to walk to the Center today, just for the heck of it. And it turned out to be some experience. Nothing spectacular, just ordinary, but a sense of revelation. The revelation was not about the city, as much as it was about me. For once I realized how I have to let go off time if I have to make something out of myself. Right now, my tightly holding on to time is murdering me, slowly and gradually. In the evening, when Jack and I reached late for our appointment, we felt such a sense of relief. We felt like we had done something for ourselves by being late. Just these simple things in life, such pleasure!

I have decided that I have to spend an hour writing every single day. Even if I write garbage. Sometimes, it does not work to wait on spontaneity to strike you. Like David would tell us during our photography lessons, sometimes you have to just practice, like a habit. Then it becomes habitus, a part of you, where you inhabit it as much as it inhabits you.

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