Zainab Bawa’s Blog

So I cannot recollect what triggered this, but as the auto was passing below the double road flyover, I suddenly felt that I had accomplished a good deal in my life.

Yes, I have not written the book that I was supposed to write.

I have not touched my guitar in years inspite of promising myself that I will be a sexy rock singer.

Yes, I have not even started working towards the restaurant that I was supposed to open.

I have not become the dancer that I have always imagined myself to be.

I have not written those stories of films that I thought I would produce.

I have not been drawing from the right side of my brain.

But come to think of it,

I have loved the people I have wanted to.

I have loved those people who I thought I would not.

Some troubled relationships have been worked out (mostly by themselves).

I know how to play chords A, G and D on the guitar and can sing happy birthday!

I can write to please myself.

I can write to please others.

I can cook.

I can be happy.

I have traveled through places, to people, away from people, towards myself, away from myself.

I have managed to retain friendships.

I have started giving up friendships.

I have moved away from home and by doing this, I have moved closer to home.

I have taught,

I have learnt.

I have created memories.

I have lost memories.

I have immemorialized myself.

I  have hoped.

I have given hope.

Now what?

zainab Uncategorized flow, Life

So it was just Saturday.

One of those Saturdays, when there was to be a party in the evening.

And it also happened to be one of those Saturdays when I peeked back into my past.

…

To come alive in the present …

…

M had come down from Bangladesh. Those times that I spent in Bangladesh, nearly 4 years ago, were the happiest times of my life. It was a life of risk, of fun, of cheap living, of enjoying each day that passed through as mundane an activity as cleaning the house!

I was living in Khulna, a small student town in Bangladesh, close to the Indian border. It was a time of my life when I was beginning to make some firm decisions and life was also leading me in that kind of flow. It was also a moment of learning, of learning by making severe errors. And it was a time when words just flowed by me, as if they were me, as if I was them.

M was known as Captain because he was the captain of the university. He was Big Brother. His cockroach eyes would want to peer at everyone, through everyone. And he was an absolutely voracious eater. And he would make me laugh to the extent that onlookers would wonder if something were wrong with me! For M, I was an out of the world creature, different from other girls in the university, one adventure freak! I had been to the Bangladesh road border with a visa by air only to be returned back to India and condemned to flying the next day on a 20 minute flight from Kolkatta to Dhaka!

Those were the days of my life, my life which was rife with adventure. Each moment was beautifully, painfully and anxiously unsettling. Today, I find myself relatively settled, but this settlement is itself unsettling. Even when I am moving from home to other places, it is an unsettling feeling because a certain adventure, a certain joy, is missing. It seems that having become professional, I have lost the adventure of life. But then, have I? …

M also seems settled. I wonder whether he feels unsettled in his settled state. Or perhaps, he has no time to think about this. Sitting in the hotel lobby, we were inquiring about each other’s friends, where they were, how they were. M tells me, “why is it that all of did not keep in touch once we left university? Detachment … psychology of detachment! You should study it!” But then, whoever said that I was detached? I am still very attached with those memories, with those times. I loved them and I still love them. They give me hope, the hope that the adventure of life has not gone, that this is one more phase, one more adventure. So what if it does not appear thrilling, it is still an adventure. It is still a state that I have never experienced before and I will not experience the same things again.

I am ready to be unsettled …

zainab Uncategorized flow, Life, memories, unknown